Relationships (un)FAQs

Q: What is the best way to loving my partner?

A: To act with an awareness that your partner does not belong to you.

Q: Even if I love her so much?

A: Especially if you love her. 

Q: Then what is the point of being in love?

A: Being in accordance with nature.

Q: Then what is my role on this earth as a human being?

A: You are a proxy of nature on this earth.

Q: Do I not care for my loved one?

A: Care for your loved one in every way. But if you believe that she belongs to you, you will stand in the way of her living. And this obstruction will cost you in ways you can’t even think.

Q: It is tough for me to understand this thinking. 

A: I understand.

Q: Now, let me share this with you: In most of my relationships, I have experienced many problems. Life has been difficult. At times, my behavior was less of human behavior. I have been disrespected. I have lived in a turbulent ride of pain, suffering, guilt, and brief moments of happiness. I thought that such things were the result of being an inadequately raised human. Is it so?

A: Human beings live in a country of misconceptions. 

Q: I see, so, what is my misconception as none of my relationships seem to be working? 

A: Because you allow attachment to take an essential place in your relationship. The truth is that attachment is slavery in the life of humans.

Q: I don’t understand it much, but I see the outcome you are highlighting – that I have been a slave of thinking that my relationships should function in a certain way. 

A: I appreciate your truthfulness. 

Q: Is it possible to live without attachment?

A: It is.

Q: How to live without attachment?

A: By understanding the aftermath of your attachment. Let us further advance your understanding of attachment:

  • Attachment gives birth to hope, need, and fear. 
  • If you feel attached to a particular human being, you’ll need her to do certain things. You’ll want her to achieve some goals, be of a designated kind, and behave toward you in a specific way. 
  • When she does not behave in your desired way, you feel grief and pain. And you behave precisely as someone with such anxiety would behave.
  • A part of her will seek freedom from your attachment, and she will not match your desired behavior.

Q: This is exactly happening. It looks like someone has told you my life story. But I don’t know what actions to take, can you help? 

A: Your action is the visible part. The real foundation lies there in understanding. 

Understand the results of your stimulations. If the results are acceptable to you, you may choose to proceed. If they are not, you may want to examine your stimuli.

Q: What are the real consequences of attachment?

A: The real consequences of your attachments are what you have been living!

Q: If I were not attached to her, my life would be peaceful without the pain and struggle?

A: Yes.

Q: Do you know what you are asking me to do?

A: I did not ask you to do anything. 

Q: It is not possible for me to not be attached to my beloved.

A: I understand.

Q: What you explained looks good, but I am feeling the pain, is there any other way?

A: What do you really want?

Q: Inner peace.

A: The nature of attachments doesn’t have peace as its property.

Q: I am confused. Love, attachment, how do they relate?

A: Most people know attachment in the name of love for love is nothing but the ultimate freedom given to the loved one.

Q: If I have to live with her, without any attachment, what would she feel?

A: She would feel freedom.

Q: Am I responsible for giving freedom to my loved ones?

A: No, you are not. 

Responsibility is a social construct. No human being is responsible for another. 

You do not owe your loved one anything. Your loved one does not owe you anything. 

If you wish to take care of her, take care of her. 

If she wishes to return your care with her attention, let her. 

If she doesn’t, it is okay too. 

What emerges from the heart is natural and satisfying. When you pay attention, you’ll realize that your heart is only capable of producing love. Attachment is the creation of the mind.

The idea of responsibility is demanded, artificial, and produces resentment and expectation for reciprocation. 

Q: So what exactly is the crux of our discussion?

A: The crux of our discussion is that there is no right or wrong. There are only choices and consequences. 

Being attached to your loved one is a choice. It is a choice not in harmony with the law of nature. 

If you make choices, not in harmony with the law of nature, there are going to be unnatural consequences. 

The same understanding applies to every relationship, such as your parents, friends, children, and even your pets. 

Know that you are a piece of nature, and it is really up to you how you want to design the consequences that come your way.

If you are looking for inner peace, attachment is not a choice that can take you there, freedom is.

And, you are free to make any choice you wish to.

On Challenges

Victories without attempts may be pleasant, but that may be the only victories you would achieve. 

You will expect quick, effortless victories. But life is not going to fulfill that expectation!

One day, life will hit you hard with an unexpected challenge, and you’ll lack the ability to deal with the challenge.

Unprepared as you would deal with the unexpected challenge by being down, devastated and depressed.

You’ll start to feel like a victim, but the truth would be you wouldn’t have developed the necessary skills and abilities.

Not surprisingly, you would not have learned to appreciate the people who made you win in the past without any attempts on your part. 

If you have your parents, teachers, or mentors (e.g., caretakers) take too much care of you and offer you victories of different kinds (those chocolates, that car, that beautiful home or that trip to heaven and back…) know that their care for you is genuine, but if you start to take their attention for granted, you might unknowingly develop a mindset that won’t serve you in life.

As a result, you might develop a habit of depending upon your caretakers and start expecting that easy victories are routine in your life, and they should come to you. 

Such a habit is a dis-serving mental model of life expectations.

A better mental model is this – whenever you are given a quick, effortless victory, know that you can also create such a success for yourself and your loved ones.

Although all the riches and comforts are available to you, deliberately choose the steep path. And transform yourself so that the way remains no longer difficult for you. 

Resist your temptation to set your aims low. If you learn to think really big and have an ambitious goal in life, you’ll develop the necessary skills and mindset to reach there. 

When you take the challenges head-on, you are on your path to grow personally. 

When you beat those challenges, you get a sense of confidence and accomplishment, which will fuel the actions for the next phase of life you always wanted to live!